i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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