Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
