My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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