Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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