who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
