carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
