I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
