we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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