I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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