Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
