don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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