I just made out with a guy for $7.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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