can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
