im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
