This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
