I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
