Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
