I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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