I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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