i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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