My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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