Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
