thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
