I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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