I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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