SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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