i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
