dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
