i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
