I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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