Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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