she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
