Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
