I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
