Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
