I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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