oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
