I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
