Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the gays at disneyland are vicious
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
