Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
