I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
