Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
