My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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