Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
