rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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