My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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