i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How does one acquire holy water?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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