you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
