Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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