I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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