So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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