Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just found a bag of teeth...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
