Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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