is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Randomize