Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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