Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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