I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
