You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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