I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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