I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize