did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize