maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
