My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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