I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize