Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
