Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize