I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
