Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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