i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
